It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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