I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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