I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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