Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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