Screwed.edu
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
