it hurts more in the daytime
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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