just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
