I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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