Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
