I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
