We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
