Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
