you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
