I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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