Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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