Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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