Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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