so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
