My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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