One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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