do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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