Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
