Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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