I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My feet surprised me
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