I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
