Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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