He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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