Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
