Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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