i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Sorry about my life...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
