life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
