Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
