Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
