This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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