youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
