Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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