We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
