I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
