after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
