yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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