I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
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He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
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The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Dear god my vagina.
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