Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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