here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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