his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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