3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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