I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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