sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
