Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
