My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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