I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
