Redeem this text for a blowjob
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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