I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
