i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
