So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
