when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
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Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
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I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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