wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
